To mourn is to acknowledge that you have lost something that had meaning for you.
Seven years ago I lost my mom to cancer, at first I didn’t cry. They rolled her body out of the house where I had spent my entire life. Little did I know how much life would change.
My mom’s illness started with brain cancer and after they removed the brain tumor, the illness spread through her like wild fire and in the end stomach cancer killed her. I wished for her death, I wanted it to be over. She was suffering… but the guilt that comes after 😦
Now seven years later my dad is dying from a different kind of brain cancer. His cancer is progressing fast and we suspect he won’t make it ‘til the end of the month. He is at the point where he refuses to eat, he can’t walk anymore or talk properly. He is a skeleton wrapped in skin, there is nothing left of the man he once was. Even his mind has been stripped away by the disease.
Is it wrong to wish him dead? I feel I can’t do this as I know the guilt I’ll feel after? But is this not selfish of me, thinking of my guilt while he is lying there suffering?
Grief is a powerful emotion but is it greater than guilt? I feel so completely negative it feels like this situation is ripping away anything that’s positive in my life.
I read an article recently that suggested that we deal with all loss the same whether it’s the death of a loved one, the loss of a cell phone or the loss of a job. The article says that even though the impact of the loss might be greatly varied, the process that we go through is very similar. The writer explains it as follows;
It is different for everyone, but it sounds something like this: What? Why? Why me? Why now? Why like this? What did I do wrong? What am I going to do now?
It may have looked like crying, staring blankly, cussing, praying, cleaning, eating, not eating, sleeping and not sleeping.
And you may have felt something like this: anger, sadness, confusion, overwhelmed, withdrawal.
I can relate to this as I’m going through the motions of dealing with this.
Another article I read says;
To start to heal you must first cry, shout or punch a cushion – whatever is needed to give you a sense of release. If you need to talk, confide in a trusted friend or counsellor. Meditation will also help the healing and recovery to take place.
Dealing with grief – Meditation Sheet 19 / Mind Body Spirit
To be honest all I want to do right now is drink an entire bottle of wine in a hot tub, and forget about everything. But I know this won’t heal anything.
How do you start healing if the person is still lying in a bed across the hall from you?
How do you deal with grief?